I hate the feeling of being stuck with the situations that I've on hands now and yet on the other hand, I can't seems to work towards any breakthrough? I don't have the strength to fight on anymore, giving up and quitting is becoming an option that is staring into my face so often now. I'm so tired emotionally and mentally. I think the whole cg and family stuff are driving me crazy? Once every night recently, I keep 'hearing' my mum's crying and sniffing sound in her room but I'm quite sure that she is not and the sound should be from a part of my memory, from the past, registered in my brain...but it's really disturbing...And I'm very tired crying myself to sleep these few days because my mind can't stop thinking and I'm really bothered that things had became awful now as I've failed to do my part as a friend/cg member and daughter. It's like a mess that I've got myself in and I can't get myself out because I fear...

Sometimes, I really wonder if I've been that nice and obliging that people thinks I've that big heart and capacity? I dunno. They expect me to be able to do stuff that I don't even think I can?
I think I will just die trying to meet up to people's expectations, to be a person they want me to be. But at the same time, I don't wanna disappoint and for some expectations, I know I've to meet them... But so what after that? I can prove myself to be able to achieve it but not attaining any change in the heart or renewing of mind because I don't agree. There's so many things that I really don't feel like doing but for certain reasons, I know I must?

Wanz, pls keep sane and teachable. I really don't wanna come to the point of being rebellious...I don't wanna come to make the decision to leave, give up and destroy all.

Lisa told me to do something when I met her up yesterday, and for that moment I really don't like the idea of doing it and came up with some stupid arguments that I know myself that they are not gonna stand because I've the ability to make things work or not. Even when I wanna apologise to her after that, it took me so much hesitation to, but I did it. Deep down, I realised that I was so reluctant to do the things she asked me to because of my pride...

This is a time for me to learn to esteem others higher than myself..for me to learn to say sorry even when I was not at fault, to learn to make the first move, to cast away my pride and to love.

Your grace is enough
More than I need
At Your word I will believe
I wait for You
Draw near again
Let Your Spirit make me new

I will fall at Your feet
I will fall at Your feet
And I will worship You here

Your presence in me
Jesus light the way
By the power of Your word
I am restored
I am redeemed
By Your Spirit I am free

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is the love
Poured out for all
This is our God
Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Servant and King
Rescued the world
This is our God