The End.
To say that i'm happy, i'm lying.
To say that i feel liberated, i'm lying.
To say that i'm not sad, i'm lying.
To say that i'm not disappointed, i'm lying.
To say that i'm not angry, i'm lying.
What a liar i'm?
Hasn't really been talking to any people these two days, not because there's nothing to say. In fact, there should be a lot of things to say but i just feel so void inside and my words seems to be jammed by my overwhelming feelings right up to my throat. I have never ever been so lost before. Seriously, i don't know what am i suppose to know. I dunno how to clear up this mess. My puny brain can't figure anyway out. I'm stuck.
I screamed.
I yelled.
I threw.
I smashed.
I kicked.
I banged.
I wailed.
and no, i still can't relieve all thats inside. I feel like bursting. My eyes are all red and puffed and pained. But no, all these physical pain doesnt amount to anythinthat i'm experiencing inside.
How am i suppose to tell my parents?
How am i suppose to tell my school mates?
How am i suppose to tell my relatives?
How am i suppose to tell my cluster people?
How am i suppose to tell all the many many people that are awaiting good report from me?
Am i to say that i'm sorry, i'm such letdown loser dumbo that even though i'm given 650 days to exact by brother paul, i still can't get myself promoted? Am i to tell my parents i'm sorry that i wasted your money on these two years of worthless education for me? Am i suppose to tell them that in wanting to be the first uni grad to make them proud and prove them wrong, i've actauly threw their faces by being the first to be a repeat and yet still cannot make it? I'm 18...I'm not young anymore. I've got no more time to lose.
Where am i suppose to go from here?
Lasalle? Ngee ann poly? Napfa? Overseas?
Can i really make it in the arts and media field?
Is this really the end of my Jc education?
There nothing that i'm really good at. and i'm to be out of the screwed familiar comfortable system that i've been in since day 1 of school. i dunno. The thought of it just makes me feels like the HIV viruses exposed to air.
I'm sad. Really sad. I'm angry. Really angry.
I dont understand. Whats the use of being the most responsive, disciplined, guai and does-her-work retainee in class where the other three can get promoted or even given the chance for sub paper. I'm happy for them but i'm just angry. And to put in the fact that, i'm the only one with God and yet...sigh.
Jo posted this
"I think cjc's system is pretty screwed up.. All the retainees have signed a contract last year end to promise to get above Es for the promos this year.. And well, fair enough, those who kept their promise were automatically moved up.. Lucky for me, my two overall Sub-passes were of 43 and 44 marks, of which I believe have been moderated up to an E grade, so I nicely made it pass our promo criteria.. Another group are those who had failed just one subject, and they can take Supp papers again. Then, those who fail 2 or more, are forced to withdraw. One repeat classmate of mine, had merely 2 Sub-passes like me, but the marks were of 40 and 42. I moved up while she was forced to withdraw. What kind of system is this? I don't believe she has done bad enough to not even make it for Sup papers. I really don't think there's a big difference between getting EEEEU (those who get to take Supp papers) and EEESS (and are forced to withdraw), so why the big difference in their fate? Why can't the school just allow those who did not pass all to take Supp papers again? It's pure injustice."
So yes. that classmate that she mentioned is me. I really so angry with this screwed Cj system too. I mean hello, are u telling me that two subpass grade of 40+ is actaully not comparable to a U grade of 30+ 20+ 10+ or even single digit? Why cant they think in the way that prescisly because we care about all subjects that why we put in so much effort to try to balance it all so that none of it falls into the U grade that why we end up having a S grade. If u tell me that having one U grade is even better than having 2 S grade, then i'll definitely forgo one subject so that at least i can secure my position in doing the sub paper. Wth. And the even most angry thing is that after moderation, my sub grades are actually 44 and 43, 1-2 marks from getting a pass. If only i could find my teachers in time to ask them to help me push up, i would be happily celebratin now over my promotion and not be in this state. So what if u teachers keep telling me that you guys had seen me work and that i'll be ok because i did put in the effort. but brother paul doesnt! and now all you all can say that is that you guys are sorry because u all cant help me appeal to get me to be eligible to do my sub paper. I hate it. Its so obvious that u people are just afraid to cross brother's line. Wth. And i hate it when the stupid p and vp stereotype all repeats by viewing them as cmi or with poor conduct or not involving themselves with school or even not cherishing the chance given to them. Wth. I'm not like them. I'm NOT like them! ARGH.
I'm so angry. Cant they see the effort put in? Cant they see that my grades are of 100% improvement? I has 20 of maths last year, and i've 4o now. I had a U-28 for geog during mids and my promos is a E-45. I failed chem during mids with U-31 but for promos, i've a E-49, 1 mark from D and i was the 3rd in class out of the 6 people that passed. And my econs is a pass when half the class failed. WTH. and i do involve myself in a CCA and i'm the asst. sect of the club.
I dunno. I dunno. I dunno.
I really cant believe i'm to withdraw from school and not even qualifying for sub paper.
I'm so drained physically, mentally and emotionally.
This fall is freaking damn f*cking pain.
You guys may think that i'm strong, but i'm really not so.
The emotions are driving me crazy. all the sudden outburst on and off. and yesterday was the most unglam day in school but i really dont care anymore whoever is around, whoever is looking. Should i write to brother and appeal to take sub paper?
I really dunno what to do and i havent told any of my parents yet. OMG. I dunno how.
God where are you now? Why do you have to let me be broken to such extent? I'm broken, yes i'm. You happy now? Why why why.
Down and Out.
And to the people that i've ignored all your sms and msn, i'm sorry.
To say that i feel liberated, i'm lying.
To say that i'm not sad, i'm lying.
To say that i'm not disappointed, i'm lying.
To say that i'm not angry, i'm lying.
What a liar i'm?
Hasn't really been talking to any people these two days, not because there's nothing to say. In fact, there should be a lot of things to say but i just feel so void inside and my words seems to be jammed by my overwhelming feelings right up to my throat. I have never ever been so lost before. Seriously, i don't know what am i suppose to know. I dunno how to clear up this mess. My puny brain can't figure anyway out. I'm stuck.
I screamed.
I yelled.
I threw.
I smashed.
I kicked.
I banged.
I wailed.
and no, i still can't relieve all thats inside. I feel like bursting. My eyes are all red and puffed and pained. But no, all these physical pain doesnt amount to anythinthat i'm experiencing inside.
How am i suppose to tell my parents?
How am i suppose to tell my school mates?
How am i suppose to tell my relatives?
How am i suppose to tell my cluster people?
How am i suppose to tell all the many many people that are awaiting good report from me?
Am i to say that i'm sorry, i'm such letdown loser dumbo that even though i'm given 650 days to exact by brother paul, i still can't get myself promoted? Am i to tell my parents i'm sorry that i wasted your money on these two years of worthless education for me? Am i suppose to tell them that in wanting to be the first uni grad to make them proud and prove them wrong, i've actauly threw their faces by being the first to be a repeat and yet still cannot make it? I'm 18...I'm not young anymore. I've got no more time to lose.
Where am i suppose to go from here?
Lasalle? Ngee ann poly? Napfa? Overseas?
Can i really make it in the arts and media field?
Is this really the end of my Jc education?
There nothing that i'm really good at. and i'm to be out of the screwed familiar comfortable system that i've been in since day 1 of school. i dunno. The thought of it just makes me feels like the HIV viruses exposed to air.
I'm sad. Really sad. I'm angry. Really angry.
I dont understand. Whats the use of being the most responsive, disciplined, guai and does-her-work retainee in class where the other three can get promoted or even given the chance for sub paper. I'm happy for them but i'm just angry. And to put in the fact that, i'm the only one with God and yet...sigh.
Jo posted this
"I think cjc's system is pretty screwed up.. All the retainees have signed a contract last year end to promise to get above Es for the promos this year.. And well, fair enough, those who kept their promise were automatically moved up.. Lucky for me, my two overall Sub-passes were of 43 and 44 marks, of which I believe have been moderated up to an E grade, so I nicely made it pass our promo criteria.. Another group are those who had failed just one subject, and they can take Supp papers again. Then, those who fail 2 or more, are forced to withdraw. One repeat classmate of mine, had merely 2 Sub-passes like me, but the marks were of 40 and 42. I moved up while she was forced to withdraw. What kind of system is this? I don't believe she has done bad enough to not even make it for Sup papers. I really don't think there's a big difference between getting EEEEU (those who get to take Supp papers) and EEESS (and are forced to withdraw), so why the big difference in their fate? Why can't the school just allow those who did not pass all to take Supp papers again? It's pure injustice."
So yes. that classmate that she mentioned is me. I really so angry with this screwed Cj system too. I mean hello, are u telling me that two subpass grade of 40+ is actaully not comparable to a U grade of 30+ 20+ 10+ or even single digit? Why cant they think in the way that prescisly because we care about all subjects that why we put in so much effort to try to balance it all so that none of it falls into the U grade that why we end up having a S grade. If u tell me that having one U grade is even better than having 2 S grade, then i'll definitely forgo one subject so that at least i can secure my position in doing the sub paper. Wth. And the even most angry thing is that after moderation, my sub grades are actually 44 and 43, 1-2 marks from getting a pass. If only i could find my teachers in time to ask them to help me push up, i would be happily celebratin now over my promotion and not be in this state. So what if u teachers keep telling me that you guys had seen me work and that i'll be ok because i did put in the effort. but brother paul doesnt! and now all you all can say that is that you guys are sorry because u all cant help me appeal to get me to be eligible to do my sub paper. I hate it. Its so obvious that u people are just afraid to cross brother's line. Wth. And i hate it when the stupid p and vp stereotype all repeats by viewing them as cmi or with poor conduct or not involving themselves with school or even not cherishing the chance given to them. Wth. I'm not like them. I'm NOT like them! ARGH.
I'm so angry. Cant they see the effort put in? Cant they see that my grades are of 100% improvement? I has 20 of maths last year, and i've 4o now. I had a U-28 for geog during mids and my promos is a E-45. I failed chem during mids with U-31 but for promos, i've a E-49, 1 mark from D and i was the 3rd in class out of the 6 people that passed. And my econs is a pass when half the class failed. WTH. and i do involve myself in a CCA and i'm the asst. sect of the club.
I dunno. I dunno. I dunno.
I really cant believe i'm to withdraw from school and not even qualifying for sub paper.
I'm so drained physically, mentally and emotionally.
This fall is freaking damn f*cking pain.
You guys may think that i'm strong, but i'm really not so.
The emotions are driving me crazy. all the sudden outburst on and off. and yesterday was the most unglam day in school but i really dont care anymore whoever is around, whoever is looking. Should i write to brother and appeal to take sub paper?
I really dunno what to do and i havent told any of my parents yet. OMG. I dunno how.
God where are you now? Why do you have to let me be broken to such extent? I'm broken, yes i'm. You happy now? Why why why.
Down and Out.
And to the people that i've ignored all your sms and msn, i'm sorry.
Labels: Heart matters
†-Wanz- actioned & cut at 10:15 pm
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